The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
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My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.