“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
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Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
#Caturday
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
“what that mouth do?” complain
You had me at “define legal”.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest