EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
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Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats