It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
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When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
We’ve all been there
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes