[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
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ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///