so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
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I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Ah..makes sense now
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain