Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
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Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi