Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
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Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW