ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
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Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one