Squirrels before girls.
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13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Well, shit
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am