How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
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“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.