When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
You Might Also Like
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.