My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
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Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Travel bloggers during quarantine