Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
kevin is now a local weatherman
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.