HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
You Might Also Like
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.