Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
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Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
You better watch out
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Reporter: *ports again*
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.