me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
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“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.