When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
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1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!