When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
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HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.