Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
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Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.