Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos