TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Lube but for my dry humor.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus