ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
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Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
The Friday File.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”