If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
You Might Also Like
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Storm Tropical Storm
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body