[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
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I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler