One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
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My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.