Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
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Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
monday
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
i smell a pulitzer
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.