[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
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Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that