the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
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Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas