I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
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Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.