doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
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Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen