Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
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[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.