barbara was highly relatable
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Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me