How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
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My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.