Roses are red, you always mattered,
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Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢