me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
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My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
When I pack too much for a short trip.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.