My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
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“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.