There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
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Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
my favorite genre of twitter
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.