“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
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Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.