The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
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Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.