The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
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[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.