Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
You Might Also Like
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
What an awful time to have common sense.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there