I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
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Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Me, in DM rooms…
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area