Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
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“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
This came to me in a dream.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Spam popsicles.
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