You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
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someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Well, this certainly took a turn
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?