You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
You Might Also Like
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.