What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
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me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Note to self: always read the final line
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
“We will wed,” I threatened
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush