What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
You Might Also Like
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”