I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
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4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
@ candidates for local office
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Every Adele song is about lasagna.