4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
You Might Also Like
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
do what now??
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.